Devices or E-Vices? A Word to Dads for Father’s Day
For a Better World, Drop the Devices. Four Reasons Why and How.
Little girls twirling in pretty dresses, hoping daddy will look at them. Little boys eyeing dad longingly. Young moms busy cutting food on plates and keeping fake smiles on their faces. And dads on phones.
Since Memorial Day Weekend, and with restrictions completely lifted, we’ve been celebrating by going out every chance we get. A cool new gluten-free pizza place, an outdoor bar and grill with live music, a concert in the park, Tex-Mex with friends. It’s glorious! It seems the young moms and kids eagerly anticipated outings have been disappointed. EVERY SINGLE place we’ve been, fathers remain attached to their phones the entire time. It is heart-wrenching.
Ultimately my writing is about creating a better society of creative, spiritually, and socially aware individuals, intent on finding meaning and purpose for the blip of eternity we have on this beautiful planet. This is piece is practical but ultimately with the same goals.
I can’t forget Joe’s head thrown back in laughter as he brushed sweat from his brow and then the corresponding delight filling his 8-year-old son’s face; the little boy had just made his papa laugh. The distinct impression I had was that this place, sitting on the ground in my front yard playing with his boy, was the only place in the world this dad wanted to be.
Joe had asked to bring his son along on a Saturday as he performed odd jobs around our house. The boy proudly watched his dad work, with dad at times explaining what he was doing. I gave them drinks on our back patio, suggesting they take a break there, but dad said no, he didn’t want to be in our way. Taking his son by the hand, they settled on a step on our front walkway. The child’s face lit up, seeing a pack of cards emerge from dad’s pocket. Both grinning, they played “Crazy Eights.”
I looked up and down the street. I knew there were children in some of the homes — the telltale signs of empty boxes of technical gadgets, computer games, the sounds of SUV doors slamming as children rushed off to another program, the overheard parental complaints of financial burdens, the catered party places, the expensive tech games. It occurred to me in that moment: the proud, beaming boy in my front yard was probably enjoying himself more than all the other kids in the neighborhood.
WHY:
First Reason: The two greatest human needs are for security and significance which, being translated, mean bonding and approval. Absolutely, parenting “takes two to tango” — mother and father figures. This partnership is the backbone of the family, and the family is the backbone of society. Today I talk to dads.
This week a shocking new report was released. According to emarketer.com. Americans now spend more time on devices than we do sleeping, working, being with others, or any other activity.
https://www.emarketer.com/content/us-social-media-usage-2021 Compared to similar western countries like the UK, Canada, France and Germany, the US spends 30 % more time on devices. Can anyone give me a good reason for this?? Americans are so much more dependent on their devices: their “e-vices” …the addiction has become an epidemic in this country.
Dads, put your phones away! It starts with you. The family is the core of society and dads (and moms) are the backbones of their families. Generally, it’s the fathers’ role-modeling that is mimicked by little ones — not to mention the fact that, dads: your wives, your sons and daughters want time with you, and neglecting them encourages them, in turn, to become addicted to their devices. You set the tone. and more than that, they want, they need, to bond with YOU.
Second Reason: Personality is 90% developed by the age of six. Self-worth, self-identity are included. By adolescence it’s almost too late to begin a real bond, and that’s when life’s big struggles hit; your children need to already have the confidence, the sense of security and significance that only comes with strong, reliable, caring parents: presence that is PRESENT.
As my husband often said when our children were small, “They’re always in record mode.” Every word, every gesture is noticed. Every minute waiting while you signal that your device is more important than they are, is soaked into their little souls. If I don’t matter much to you, do I to the rest of the world? If dad is on his cell phone all the time, I guess that’s what I should do for his approval?
Third Reason: Addiction to online games and social media is retarding brain development in your children. We all know the negative stats about emotional and social stunting in children, not to mention horror stories of social and emotional abuse online. You can’t expect to successfully limit device use by your kids if you are addicted yourself. “Walk the walk, don’t just talk the talk!”
Fourth Reason: Time is fleeting for all of us. Make the most of the time you’ve been given. “Carpe Diem”. I’ve always loved (and been rebuked by) the words of Annie Dillard, “How we spend our days is, of course, how we spend our lives.” I write this as a reminder to us all, but today, especially to young fathers: smartphones and computers are sucking precious time away from life — from your important relationships, from good physical, mental, and emotional health. The messages of social media, of robot-like game playing, and the false reality of online “social engagement” are all messing with our society in irretrievable ways.
It’s long been asserted by Child Development experts that toddlers through teens, during massive brain growth, are being stunted for life by constant attachment to their devices. That’s a whole other topic. For these purposes, I suggest that parents of young children take a cold hard look at their priorities and put phones down, turn devices off for large chunks of each day — maybe even for entire weekends — in order to connect with their little ones, with nature, in fun activities, classic narratives, and extended family visits.
Dads, what do you remember from your childhoods? What will you remember about your parents after they pass on? Most of us remember experiences shared, time spent, jokes laughed at, advice given, all amounting to TIME spent together. Include your children in your hobbies, maybe even your job, make them feel special and thus raise their self-awareness and self-esteem because they are known, respected, a priority — they are loved. Interact with them. Validate them. Ask questions. Share yourself with them.
HOW: Pick UP the Device!
Yes, technology can be a great gift. Weekly Zoom visits with my mother are a godsend! Living alone and quarantined in Canada, she benefits from the entire extended family across North America reconnecting in meaningful ways! But this is where evaluation comes to play. Dads and Moms: evaluate and use your devices to enhance the lives of yourself and your families.
Questions to ask with technology use:
1. Does it start great conversations?
2. Does it better create ties with family and friends in positive, close ways? (Time is largely wasted when it’s used to build relationships with people we’ll never meet. Or worse, to troll folks, famous or not.)
3. Does it improve your well-being physically, emotionally, mentally, spiritually?
4. Does it support the positive recreational activities you love? E.g. Finding facts about nature, or tips on your hobbies, or finding like-minded friends to help in areas of interest to you. Personally, I’ve found fellow readers, authors, vacations, travel destinations and more.
Understanding the power and place of technology in your life and that of your family’s is crucial, and you can never begin this intention, or rather ‘intervention’, too soon. No matter one’s world view, stewardship of self, family, the planet is necessary for wholeness and for a functioning society and world. Mother Teresa, when asked how to change the world, replied, “Go HOME and love your family.”
We’ve all heard the saying, “There’s no love like the love of a mother.” I agree, but only if it is partnered with, “There’s nothing more important than the active love of a good father.”
