Say No to the Dress?
“No to the dress? Sounds great to me!” said one young groom when he read my proposed title here. I retorted, “It doesn’t say ‘no dress’!” “Ah darn,” he teased. Haha. I’m referring here to the “Yes to the Dress” wedding industry that wants to make lots of money and how it and society put pressure on young brides to have “The Perfect Wedding,” aka. expensive wedding. I write this to encourage engaged women and men to think twice about personal priorities as they plan their weddings.
And so dear Lucy, you’ve been asked to be a bridesmaid and it’s making you have questions about weddings. Your bride friend, you write, is acting a little crazy. Ha, certainly ‘tis the season when “love is in the air” — couples’ ecstatic engagements at Christmas and Valentine’s Day see brides now getting into the nitty gritty of wedding planning. And spending. A new bride close to me recently confided that she wished, within just a few months of her 30K wedding, that they’d spent half as much on the wedding and used the other half toward a condo down-payment.
So, I asked a question on Facebook, “Do you have any regrets at all about your wedding day?” Other than answers like, “The groom,” or “the stray dog that wandered in,” or “the wobbly stage my bro-in-law built,” the 35 sobering answers surprised me. Here’s a sample:
“Yes, too many regrets to cover here.” (Said by several.)
“Stressing over so many small silly things before hand and then realizing none of it matters…the one good thing was we did get a video done.”
“I didn’t hire a professional videographer and his dad had a friend video the wedding, but the tape somehow got lost during clean up afterwards.”
“I wish I would’ve had a video made.”
“I waited for a bridesmaid to show up but should’ve started without her.”
“No photograph of the day we got married in a real estate office by a retired minister with two witnesses. It’s not the wedding that makes a marriage succeed.”
“I was too focused on making sure everyone in my family was getting along. What a silly thing. I couldn’t even enjoy my own wedding because I was too focused on other people.”
“Yes, family drama.”
“It felt like an ugly romcom.”
“I wish it had been smaller and simpler. People made me feel we were supposed to have a bunch of stuff we really didn’t need.”
“Started it too late, so people left earlier than expected.”
“Photos have faded.”
“We were in the military so got the military photographer and regretted it.”
“I could have spent less money on certain things, but I really wish I’d focused more on the memories than the day. The day is over quickly but the photographs and videos last forever.”
I’ve also heard much advice over the years with the gist being, “don’t get Cousin Sue with her new camera who’ll do it for free (and then forget to put film in the camera)” or the cheapest photographer in town whose photos fade within ten years. When my daughter was starting out her portrait photography career she was frustrated by the young women her age who would spend more on a cake that was gone in 5 minutes than portraits that would last a lifetime.
You can Google “wedding regrets” and find more stories like these. Many of the brides on these online sites promote buying dresses on consignment and “selling them back because YOU’LL MOVE an average 3 times in the first few years and the dress becomes a storage burden”…and one borrowed hers from a friend and later confirmed it was the right decision: “I still married a wonderful man and I could have worn a brown sack!” The other MAIN THEME in the online articles is that of photographer and videographer. One testimonial: “We were told ‘everyone will take pictures!’ Guess what? No one does.” Those who made good decisions were unanimous: don’t spend time and money on frivolous things, but do DEFINITELY hire a good photographer and videographer!
Brides and grooms! Absolutely, do what YOU want; settle on your personal priorities, be they expensive or not, but whatever you decide, make sure you think through your priorities, and make sure your Special Day is one that builds relationships (starting with your own) and creates photographed and videotaped memories that will last a lifetime!
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Dear Lucy, above is the gist of what I wanted to say, but I can hear your “aha’s” and giggles if you read more personal examples and maybe have stories to share with your engaged friends:
Here’s my personal experience and advice after 33 years of marriage and having been to dozens of weddings: One of my disappointments is that I walk away not knowing the bride and groom any better than I did to start with. (Slide shows with fun music are an important component for the guests’ sakes and something the couple can enjoy over the years. “Q. and A.” games can also work! Etc.) Secondly, I’ve observed that wedding dances are often confusing or disappointing due in large part to the DJ who doesn’t play music that everyone can dance too and/or doesn’t attempt to get everyone up and having a good time. Naturally, young people often love music that’s different than older folks’ tastes, but I have seen dance floors ALIVE with ALL AGES — from weddings, to cruise ships, to our dance studio where many young adults love dancing the classics too! Just try — maybe take some lessons before the Big Day.
Perhaps you are thinking at this point, “WOW, I’m overwhelmed.” Please don’t; just think hard about who YOU are and who your guests are and let the event reflect these people and priorities! For example, I have no regrets about my own wedding: all my favorite people were there, and we had a great open mike (which, I know, is risky!) during which folks got to know us and had some good laughs. The entire wedding cost under $1000. It was held in a home church — both the service and the reception. I wore my mom’s dress (although, if you’ve finally stopped laughing at my homemade headdress from the above picture, let me admit that piece was NOT my mother’s but my own, um, “creation.”) I had a kind gentleman, with a delicatessen wholesale company, from church provide sandwich fixings at cost for the luncheon reception. My grandmother was only too happy to provide almost all the flowers from her amazing garden, and she and I had a precious time together arranging large bouquets in the Styrofoam vases from my grandfather’s funeral. Only my bouquet, corsages and boutonnieres were purchased. For dessert I asked the ladies of my home church and family members to bring squares and bars — the loving care in everything from Brownies, to Blondies, to the Canadian specialty “Nanaimo Bars” were a great treat! Again, I was fortunate to have kind friends: both the photographer and the videographer volunteered, both by way of gifting us and the fact that they were each just beginning their careers. Again, we lucked out; it could have turned out badly but I like our photographs to this day. As for the video?? Well…it didn’t fare so well — was lost long ago. The invitations were black and white postcards. That’s one way to have a Wedding on the Cheap.
Of course, my wedding was a long time ago and not to everyone’s taste. I get that. More recently, my daughter married, and in the planning, her first comment was music to my ears, “Mom, on my wedding day I just want all the guests to have a good time.” I melted and took out the checkbook! Living in a small town and teaching at a college with a lovely chapel and having a downtown that was in the process of restoring gracious old buildings, we were fortunate because venue costs for her were almost nothing. We did spring for a good DJ from a larger city, so the dance was fun. We hired the best caterer in town to provide a roast beef and chicken cordon bleu dinner with all the sides — for 200. And she insisted on a photographer that I thought (at the time) was pricey, but we’re glad she did! Her gown was exactly what she wanted and at less than a $1000 — she was a vision of loveliness. (Although, again, I agree with the growing trend of renting a gown; may sound icky, but why not?? They’re dry-cleaned and men rent their tuxes or suits! And, trust me, you’ll probably never look at it, much less wear it, again!)
My last bit of advice is to relax and have fun. (Just be sure you’ve thought through what’s important to YOU. Spend 50K or 1K. No judgement; just try your best to have no regrets.) I was delirious with happiness to be marrying my True Love, and not even bad weather which forced us indoors last minute marred my joy. And anyway, what’s the worst thing that can happen? Mostly great stories for your friends and kids over the years! I think of friends who spontaneously decided to get married with only one-month prep time. Being last-minute, the main pastor of their Hispanic church was unavailable, so they settled for an assistant pastor with limited English skills. When he was quoting the vows and came to, “I will lodge where you lodge.” It sounded like “I will lunch where you lunch.” They broke into helpless giggles and couldn’t stop. 😊
